my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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