I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
