Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
