So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
