I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
