Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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