the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
