Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
