i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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