dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
