and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
