Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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