Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
