Someone shit on the floor
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
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