I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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