It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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