i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
