no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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