theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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