Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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