Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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