I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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