he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
did you just send me my own nude
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
