My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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