Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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