We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
