Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
What drink are we having for lunch?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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