you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
