I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
