The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
