Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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