True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
