Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
