her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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