life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
