fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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