is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
