Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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