Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I didn't shave. On purpose
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize