hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
