Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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