your parents love me but you hate me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
