Michael Bay diarrhea
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
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