the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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