please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
