i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize