yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You are the jesus of drinking
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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