Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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