i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
