He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
