Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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