I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
