come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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