I'm jealous of your bromance
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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