So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
