i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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