i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize