I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
