my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
