just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
