why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
