I faked an abortion last night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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