So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize