and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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